Characters: 4 - 6 M -- If need be, the army recruiters can double as the army drill seargents!
John and Frank are sitting right center stage, drinking pop.
JOHN:
All right, here it comes!
(Loud belch, both guys laugh.)
Okay Frank, try to beat THAT one!
FRANK:
Come on, John, even my little sister can burp louder than you!
(Guzzles some pop, lets out a GREAT BIG BELCH, both guys laugh, then short DP)
JOHN:
You know Frank, sometimes I wonder if there’s more to life than this…
FRANK:
What do you mean?
JOHN:
Well, I just wonder if there’s anything WORTH WHILE that we could be spending our time doing, something that could make a DIFFERENCE in the world.
FRANK:
Oh.
(Thinks for a moment.)
Yeah, maybe. I guess we’ll just have to wait for something to COME ALONG…
(Two army recruiters dressed in ARMY ATTIRE walk on stage SL and set up a small table, which displays a sign saying “YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. JOIN THE ARMY!”)
JOHN:
Hey Frank, LOOK! WE could join the ARMY!
FRANK:
Whoa… join the ARMY? But, wouldn’t we have to, like, DO stuff?
JOHN:
Probably… but Frank, if we were in the ARMY, we could make a difference in the world. This could be THE ANSWER!
R1:
(Approaching John and Frank)
Hello there, boys! Have you ever considered joining THE ARMY?
FRANK:
Um… NO, not really!
R1:
Well boys, let me tell you, it is a WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE, and a PRIVELEGE, to be in the army and get to serve your country! In the army, you learn life-changing skills, occupations, discipline, and even how to fly helicopters! And boys, the ARMY offers GREAT LONG-TERM BENEFITS!
FRANK:
Well, that sounds pretty cool! (John nods.)
R1:
Cool? Boys, joining the army would be the BEST DECISION that you could EVER MAKE! It would transform you into a NEW and IMPROVED person!
JOHN:
That sounds great to me! Where do we sign up?
R1:
Glad you asked, son, glad you asked!
R2:
(Grabs contracts from table)
I’ve got contracts RIGHT HERE for you! Just read the paper, sign your name, and it’s as easy as that! Before you know it, you boys will be great, strong leaders, saving the world from… well, who KNOWS what!
FRANK:
COOL!
JOHN:
Yeah, let’s sign up, man!
(They both sign contracts and hand them to R1.)
R2:
Congratulations, my friends! (Shake boys’ hands.)
You’ve just made the BEST decision of your lives! You’re going to make this world a better place to live in!
R1:
You should be proud of yourselves, boys! Get ready to leave for boot camp! We trust that you will do your best…
R1 & R2:
(both recruiters shake boys’ hands)
IN THE ARMY!
R2:
We’ll be seeing you fellows REAL SOON!
(army guys go sit back down at their table as Frank and John walk to center stage.)
JOHN:
Woo hoo! Frank, we’re IN THE ARMY, man! How cool is THAT?
FRANK:
Yeah, we’re going to help SAVE THE WORLD!
JOHN:
This is awesome! Don’t you feel better about yourself now, Frank?
FRANK:
Yeah, I feel all “warm and tingly” inside!
This is so exciting!
JOHN:
Yeah, those army guys said that the army would transform us into new, improved people! I mean, now we’ve got a chance to do something that’s even more awesome than winning pie eating contests… I mean, we get to learn how to fly HELICOPTERS, man!
FRANK:
Oh yeah… this is going to be COOL!!!
(All characters freeze onstage. If possible, there is a blackout and characters assume new positions. If not, just move on to the next change and have someone walk across the stage with a sign that says: “TWO WEEKS LATER…”)
D1:
Boys, welcome to BOOT CAMP!
D2:
One thing that’s necessary for you to be all that you can be in the Army, is for you to GET IN SHAPE!
JOHN:
(whispers to Frank loudly)
Hey, Frank… when WAS the last time we exercised?
FRANK:
Um… I don’t think I ever have!
D1:
ALL RIGHT, HIT THE GROUND, BOYS!
FRANK:
Uh, hit the ground with WHAT, sir?
D2:
He said, GET DOWN ON YOUR BELLIES, YOU WORTHLESS BAGS OF SCUM!
JOHN:
He just called us SCUM! That’s not cool!
D1:
Hush, boy! Now, both of you give me 50!
(Both boys look dumbfounded.)
D2:
PUSH-UPS, 50 PUSHUPS, YOU NITWITS!
(Frank begins doing pushups.)
JOHN:
Is all this vulgar name calling really necessary?
D2:
(Gets up in John’s face.)
WHAT did you say, boy?
JOHN:
Oh, uh, NOTHING, sir… I was just saying how much I LOVE pushups!
(Begins to do push ups, and after a couple of them, he and Frank both collapse onto the ground, out of breath.)
D1:
Don’t tell me you boys are tired already!
FRANK:
Maybe I need to lay off those M&M’s…
JOHN:
Drill seargeant sirs… this REALLY BITES!
FRANK:
Yeah! I thought the army was supposed to be FUN!
D2:
Nobody ever told you boys that the army was ALWAYS going to be FUN! We told you that it would CHANGE your LIVES! And this is the first change that’s got to happen! I mean, how are you boys going to conquer the enemy if you can’t even do 50 pushups?
JOHN:
Um, I guess I forgot to consider that, sir.
D2:
Well, that’s just TOO BAD!
FRANK:
Uh, sir, couldn’t we start out with something a little bit EASIER?
D1:
What could be easier than PUSHUPS, BOY?
FRANK:
Mmmm… don’t we get to learn some SONGS or something?
D1:
Songs?
FRANK:
Yeah, you know… (starts singing)
“be, all that you can be… (John joins in singing) in the Arrrrmy!”
D1:
NO!
Now, you boys quit fooling around and GET BUSY DOING PUSHUPS!
JOHN:
But, I CAN’T do any more pushups!
D2:
You WILL do more pushups, boy!
FRANK:
If we don’t do pushups, can you, like, kick us out of the army?
D2:
Nope, boys, you’ve signed your lives over to the army, you were so excited about making a difference in the world and look at you, ALREADY READY TO GIVE UP? My, my, you boys NEED to learn some survival skills! You’ve got to learn HOW TO BE STRONG! You need to EAT YOUR WHEATIES!
JOHN:
But sir, wheaties are gross! They taste just like my grandma’s burnt oatmeal, except more crunchy!
FRANK:
We don’t really have to eat WHEATIES, do we?
D1:
You boys have got to STOP COMPLAINING and start GETTING ACCUSTOMED to the way we do things around here!
JOHN:
(after exchanging a “look” with Frank)
That could take awhile, sir!
D2:
Well, until then, you boys are going to go PEEL SOME POTATOES!
FRANK AND JOHN:
PEEL POTATOES?
(Blackout and/or a pweson walks across the stage with a sign that says “10 hours later”… and Frank and John have a bag of potatoes, they sit “peeling” them.)
FRANK:
Man, I’ve never done so much WORK in my LIFE!
JOHN:
We’ve had to have peeled at least a MILLION potatoes today. Maybe MORE!
FRANK:
Yeah, and my fingers are getting blisters! John, I didn’t realize just how much work the army was actually going to BE!
JOHN:
Me neither. But, I have an idea… (leans in close to Frank, to whisper in his ear).
FRANK: (jumps back)
Whoa man... I'm not like that.
JOHN:
No, Frank… I think we should go AWOL!
FRANK:
Do WHAT?
JOHN:
We could ESCAPE!
FRANK:
Oh… but isn’t it ILLEGAL to escape from the ARMY?
JOHN:
Only if we get caught!
FRANK:
(ponders idea.)
I don’t know, man. Maybe we should stick with it for awhile, and give it a CHANCE.
JOHN:
And do a billion more push ups, and peel another million more potatoes? Frank, there’s a lot of things we could be doing that are a lot more FUN than all of this army stuff. Like, toilet papering our old principal’s house!
FRANK:
Yeah, you’re right. I mean, joining the army seemed so COOL at first. And it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, you know, like when something GOOD happens to you.
JOHN:
Well I don’t know about you, Frank, but I SURE DON’T feel warm and fuzzy anymore. In fact, I’m pretty COLD and TIRED and HUNGRY…
FRANK:
…but I’ve realized something. The ARMY isn’t always gong to make us FEEL GOOD. In fact, there will probably be a lot more cruddy days like this one until we get used to doing everything the way we have to. I mean, this lifestyle is totally different…
JOHN:
(interrupting)
And HARDER…
FRANK:
Than the one we USED to live. But Frank, think about a couple of years from now, when WE’LL be the ones calling new recruits “bags of scum”, and when we’ll be FLYING HELICOPTERS… and SAVING THE WORLD!
I mean, do you really want to be known as “the wimp who dropped out of the army?!”
JOHN:
Well… NO…
FRANK:
Well, me neither! So let’s just try to do our best! Besides, this WAS YOUR idea in the first place, John!
JOHN:
Yeah, I guess you’re right. We’ve just got to try harder.
D1:
(ENTERING W/D2 STAGE RIGHT)
Well, well, well… you boys almost done with those potatoes?
FRANK:
Yes, sir! All 500 bags of them, sir!
D2:
Good job, boys! Good job!
D1:
So, how’s some GRUB sound right about now?
JOHN:
ALL RIGHT! I’m STARVING!
FRANK:
Me, too! What’s for dinner?
D2:
Friend potatoes! With spinach, cole slaw, and a big bowl of WHEATIES! (Boys look at each other, disgusted by the menu.)
D1:
(Laughs loudly.)
Just kidding boys, just kidding. We’re having steak, salad, and French fries, which chocolate cheesecake for dessert!
JOHN:
Cool!
FRANK:
Awesome!
JOHN:
Frank, I think that being in the Army is going to be cool AFTER ALL!
