Chracters: 3 M, 3 F, 1 E (extra, no speaking parts, this person simply
hides behind a piece of cardboard to attack someone with a ghetto alligator...)
A group of friends/relatives are out on a sunny day to go fishing.
James is getting eaten by an alligator.
You can use a ghetto large alligator drawn on a huge piece of construction paper and cut out, then glued onto a nice sturdy piece of cardboard.
James should have a ghetto fishing pole, which can also be constructed from construction paper if need be. You should also have a ghetto construction cut out of a pond.
(Ghetto props just always seem to make everything even funnier!
James (and the alligator & alligator operator) should be positioned stage right, the others come onstage stage left and never cross past center stage towards the right until they run off to help James at the end.
Harley:
What a gorgeous day!
Cliff:
Perfect for fishing, right gals?
Jolene:
Fishing. We could’ve gone to the mall, but no, we have to go FISHING.
Cliff:
I thought you liked fishing?
Jolene:
Only because I can kick your butt at it, bro.
(jokingly punches him in the shoulder.) The fish must like me.
Harley:
Well, you are kind of fishy.
(he laughs and laughs at his unfunny joke...all the others just stare at him.)
Paris:
(stage whispers, to Jolene)
Please don’t tell me he’s going to crack jokes that aren’t really jokes all day long again.
Harley:
Hey, I heard that.
Brooke:
So...are we going to fish, or what?!
Cliff:
Come on Harley, let’s go get the stuff out of the truck.
Harley:
Right behind ya! (guys leisurely exit stage left)
Jolene:
(sighs)
You guys, I will be SO glad when I get my license next month! Then we won’t have to hang out with my brother and (rolls eyes) Harley all the time.
Brooke: (to Jolene)
Yeah. Hey, is that new fingernail polish?
Josie:
Oh, yeah, it’s the newest fall (or whatever season it may be) shade by Gulicia Nails, isn’t it pretty? (holds out hands for others to see)
Paris: (says with disgust)
Jolene, you have the UGLIEST hands! Jolene gets noticeably irritated/upset by this comment
Brooke:
Paris!
James:
(The alligator jumps at his leg, he screams and yells, “help”, and tries to fight it off. Girls are too busy arguing to notice.)
Paris:
Well, Brooke, she does! Jolene, you DO. It’s time to face the fact.
Jolene:
Geez Paris, what crawled up your butt and died TODAY?
Paris:
Nothing. And at least my butt doesn’t need its own zip code, miss thang!
Brooke: (groans loudly)
Whoever came up with the phrase “kissing cousins” has obviously never met you two.
(Paris and Jolene look at each other abd say, in unison):
Ewwwwwwww!
James:
Help, please, someone, help! It’s eating me! My leg! Oh, my leg!
Brooke: (looks around) Did you guys hear something?
Jolene:
No, and besides, Paris, at least I have a BOYFRIEND!
Paris:
Oh puh-leeeaze, your boyfriend is the biggest geek in the entire UNIVERSE. I wouldn’t date him for a million dollars.
Jolene:
You know Paris, there IS more to guys than their LOOKS.
Paris:
Whatever! Jolene, I think you need a reality check...
Jolene: (puts up her hand as in, "talk to the hand")
Bounced!
Paris:
Oh no, you didn’t!
Brooke:
I'm about to bounce both of your heads off that tree over there if you don’t SHUT UP already!
James:
SCREAMS a shrill, woman-like scream
Paris:
Brooke, you’re so skinny I could snap you like a twig, so don’t be talking about bouncing anyone off of anything.
Brooke:
Oh, now it’s on, girl!
(they go at each other‘s necks, Jolene shreaks, guys come back)
Cliff:
Oh, for crying out loud. (pulls them apart) What now?
Jolene:
Paris is being a huge pain in the rear, you would not believe what she said about my hands, she said they were...UGLY!
Harley: (rolling eyes)
Will you girls ever grow up? Most people have bigger problems than ugly hands (looks at Jolene) not that your hands are ugly...anyway, do you all have to bicker over EVERYTHING?!
Paris:
I KNOW people have bigger problems - like YOU thinking that you can rap and make jokes when you can’t!!!
Harley:
I can rap! (breaks into a ghetto rap)
I can rap, this and that, we went to Mc Donald’s and got a Big Mac, how about that, yeah, I’m a rappin’ attack, take that, I’m a...
Cliff:
Harley... (shakes his head) [Harley stops rapping.]
Paris:
I think I’ve made my point.
Jolene:
Nothing you say HAS a point, Paris.
Brooke:
You know, Cliff actually DOES have a point there... people have bigger problems.
People are starving, homeless, diseased, DYING.
(James screams as he is drug offstage by the alligator, and Harley hears and turns to look.)
Harley:
Oh, my gosh! Someone call 911!(runs to follow James offstage)
Cliff:
Whoa!
Paris:
What’s THAT all about?
Cliff:
That alligator had ahold of that guys' leg and is dragging him away!
Brooke, Paris, and Josie: (gasp in unision)
Cliff:
Didn’t you girls notice? Didn’t he call for help? Or scream? Or something?
Brooke:
I thought I heard SOMETHING...
Paris:
All I heard was Jolene’s big mouth...
Jolene:
Whoa. He could be DYING!
Brooke:
Well, yeah, as much as he's bleeding.
Cliff:
He’s in a LOT of pain...I’ve got to help Harley, and call for help! (exits stage right, after the others).
Brooke:
Don't you guys think we should help?
Paris:
And get my hands all bloody? YUCK!
Josie:
Oh, come on, Paris! Someone close to us was being eaten alive by an alligator and we didn’t even NOTICE. How much more self-absorbed could we get?!
Brooke:
I’m going to see if I can help do something. (exits stage r)
Paris:
Well, it’s not OUR fault that he didn’t scream loud enough for us to HEAR him!
Josie:
Or maybe WE were just too busy fighting and being angry and self-absorbed to even realize it.
How could we just stand around and let someone die?
Paris:
Because your hands are ugly.
Josie:
Paris that is NOT the point! And my hands aren’t ugly!
Paris:
You’re in denial.
Josie:
I can’t believe you! You... you're... ugh!(exits stage)
Paris: (screams after her)
So what if we couldn’t hear someone screaming, and dying... because... your hands are ugly! Someone was screaming and dying but... (reality finally dawns on her)
But... (sigh)...
I guess people really do have bigger problems. People who are closer than I realize. But she DOES have ugly hands. (sighs, shakes her head, gets up) Hey, Jolene, wait for me!
FIN
How many times in our lives have we been too absorbed in ourselves and/or our own problems to take the time to care about others?
