REGGIE'S "WIN A MILLION!"



Characters: 2 M -
Reggie Philbun (Yes, Regis Phillban's clone!)
John, who is wearing an old/dirty/comfy hat

This is a *spoof* of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"!



REGGIE:
Welcome back to Reggie's Win A Million! I'm Reggie Philbun.
And our contestant John here has finally reached the final question!
("do-do-do-do" sound effect, if possible)
He's about to become a millionaire... MAYBE!
Are you ready for the million dollar question, John?

JOHN:
I sure am, Reggie!

REGGIE:
All right. The final question is...
What color is the sky?
A) Orange
B) Blue
C) Yellow
D) White
?

John:
Um...(looks as if he's deep in thought) uh, WOW. It's been such a long time since I actually looked at the sky, that I'm not sure! But I'm leaning towards... (reconsiders) no, no, maybe it's... um... Reggie, I think I'm going to use a lifeline!

REGGIE:
Sorry John, but you used up all of your lifelines on the question "what color is SPAM", just before our last commercial break, remember??

JOHN:
Oh yeah. Darn it!
Well, um...

REGGIE:
I like you, John. So I'm going to ask the audience to help you out by having them yell out what they think the answer is.
Audience, go ahead and help him out!
(Let audience respond)

JOHN:
Reggie... I have my final answer!

REGGIE:
Are you sure?

JOHN:
Yes. My final answer is...
D) WHITE!

REGGIE:
Are you SURE you want to make that your FINAL answer, John?

JOHN:
Yes. Final answer.

REGGIE:
(shakes his head a bit)
And for a million dollars, the correct answer is...
B) BLUE!
I'm sorry John.

JOHN:
(hitting himself over the head)
Aw, MAN! CLOUDS are white. NOW I remember!

REGGIE:
Well John, you've lost all of your money.

JOHN:
Bummer.

REGGIE:
However... because I like you... I'll give you another chance!

JOHN:
You will?

REGGIE:
Yes, John. YOU still have another chance to WIN A MILLION!

JOHN:
I DO?

REGGIE:
Yes! And it's a simple concept, really.

JOHN:
Well, what do I have to do?

REGGIE:
All you have to do is... (takes out a brand new hat) trade me that hat you're wearing in exchange for THIS new hat... put this new hat on top of your head... and BAM, you'll WIN A MILLION!
Simple, right?

JOHN:
(SHOCKED!)
What?!
You want me to give you my HAT?
No way, man! I LOVE this hat!

REGGIE:
(shocked that John won't accept his offer)
But John, wouldn't you RATHER have a MILLION DOLLARS?!

JOHN:
Reggie, I've had this hat for SO LONG now...
(takes his hat off and holds it close to his chest, showing his affection for it)
it's part of my life!

REGGIE:
It's a HAT, John. We're talking a MILLION dollars here!

JOHN:
(sighs)
I'm sorry, Reggie. I just don't think that I can give this up.

REGGIE:
Sure you can, John! Audience, tell John that he can do it!!
(Let audience respond.)

JOHN:
A NEW hat?
The concept just seems so... BIZARRE!

REGGIE:
Bizarre?!

JOHN:
Yeah!
I mean, what will all my friends say when they see me with a new, clean hat?
That's not cool, Reggie.

REGGIE:
Not cool?

JOHN:
Yeah, they'll make fun of me.

REGGIE:
Um, aren't people like that supposed to be called "enemies"?

JOHN:
It's not just them! My parents, my girlfriend, my coach... they'll all think that I've gone nuts!
They KNOW how much I LOVE my hat!

REGGIE:
But, John...

JOHN:
A new hat would make me so DIFFERENT.
I don't want to change!

(looks to audience)
Hey, what would you guys do if YOU were ME?
(Let audience respond)

REGGIE:
Our audience sounds smart!
Are YOU going to be smart too, John?
(Reggie holds the new hat out to John, who takes it and looks it over.)

JOHN:
My old hat is my FAVORITE thing in the whole wide world...
it's so FAMILIAR, and so COMFORTABLE, and it fits me so well...
(holds up new hat)
This hat looks a bit small for me, and uncomfortable, and it even smells different! Plus I don't like the color, either.

REGGIE:
So, are you giving up, John?

JOHN:
Um...

REGGIE:
Are you going to choose to LOSE when you have a sure shot at WINNING?!

JOHN:
But I'd have to give up something dear to me to win!

REGGIE:
It seems like a pretty small sacrifice to me!
Wouldn't you LIKE to have a million dollars?

JOHN:
Sure! I'd LOVE to have a million dollars!
But do you have any idea what you're ASKING of me?!

REGGIE:
YES.

JOHN:
But, you don't understand... I NEED this hat!

REGGIE:
So, you're telling me that you need an old smelly hat more than you need a million dollars? I don't understand what makes it so HARD to part with your old hat.

JOHN:
Reggie, my hat is my LIFE!
What if I don't like that new hat as much as my old hat?

REGGIE:
Trust me John, this new hat is GREAT!
It's MUCH better than your old one!
Don't you agree, audience?
(Let audience respond).

JOHN:
...I don't know if I can do it.

REGGIE:
Let me spell it out for you, John.
M - I - L - L - I - O - N.
Do you know what that spells?

JOHN:
Melon!

REGGIE:
NO! MILLION!
A million of (pulls fistfull of dollar bills out of his pocket) THESE babies!
That's a MILLION ONE DOLLAR BILLS.
Think about it, John -- TEN THOUSAND BENJAMINS!

JOHN:
Who's Benjamin?

REGGIE:
It doesn't matter. What matters is that YOU need to make a decision! We're running out of time here!

JOHN:
Reggie... I just CAN'T do it.

REGGIE:
John, do you KNOW what you are doing?
You are forfieting the chance of a LIFETIME for an old, smelly, dirty hat.
Are you SURE that's what you want to do??

JOHN:
Yes Reggie, I'm sure. I just CANNOT part with my hat.

REGGIE:
Audience, what do you have to say about this?
(Let audience respond.)
Well John, you sure are one stubborn cookie!

JOHN:
Mmm, I like cookies!

REGGIE:
And that's all the time we have for now!
I'm Reggie Philbun, and I want to leave you all with a final thought...
If someone offers you a new, vastly improved life in exchange for your old, smelly one, you shouldn't pass it up! Because you may never get that chance again, and you'll end up looking, well... (motions to John) like HIM!

FIN


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